Monday, December 5, 2016

The People vs. Lorne Michaels

Closing Arguments in the case of The People vs. Lorne Michaels…

Enough with the right-wing’s monopoly for batshit crazy conspiracy theories.  It’s time to share in the insanity.  Put on your tin-foil hats people!  The election was rigged and it is all because of…

Lorne Michaels!  

Lorne Michaels, you son of a bitch, you have done us in.  It wasn’t Hilary and her “basket of deplorables” statement.  It wasn’t because the Russians hacked the computer system.  It wasn’t because Trump kept screaming “lock her up!” to dozens.  Mr. Michaels, you are the wizard behind the curtain!  You and your crack team somehow hacked the election results for your own gain.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please consider the evidence:

Exhibit A: Saturday Night Live Ratings was in a severe ratings slump three years ago.  The recovery has been slow.

Exhibit B: Saturday Night Live ratings this season are now at its highest in over two decades.

Exhibit C: One of the funniest bits last season was Jay Pharoah as a Young Ben Carson when he met Black Jesus (Kenan Thompson).  Even though Lorne ousted Mr. Pharoah before this season, nothing else explains why a man who pulled himself out of consideration for a cabinet position because he lacked government experience is now nominated for secretary of Housing and Urban Development.  There should be plenty of comedy material for the next season.

Exhibit D: Alec Baldwin probably enjoys playing Trump every week and doesn’t mind the extra work. He’s likely behind this rigged election as well.

Exhibit E: Sarah Palin as Secretary of the VA?  Maybe.  But, if she gets betrayed by Trump it would be even better for ratings! Need I say more Tina Fey?

Exhibit F: Trump can’t stop tweeting about SNL.  Perhaps Lorne and Donald are in this together?

Exhibit G: Chris Farley is no longer with us (RIP Chris).  But, consider this when mulling over reasons why Chris Christie (one of Trump’s most loyal supporters throughout the campaign) has not received a cabinet position…

I rest my case.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Jew Scorned

Dear Nazi:

Now you've done it Richard Spencer.  You just lit a fire under the tuchis (that means "ass" in Yiddish, you dipshit) of this "soulless Golem."  My grandmother didn't survive Auschwitz to have me sit by idly while you and your band of scrawny, worthless scum embarrass our country.  What the United States needs now is less loudmouthed, entitled white folk like yourself and more people, regardless of race, that want to work together for the common good.

I'm one of your worst nightmares: A soulless Jew immigration lawyer that helps both documented and undocumented immigrants find a better life in the country that once provided my family with that opportunity. Guess what? There are thousands upon thousands of others like myself that will continue to use our laws for the betterment of society.  When we are done with you and your Nazi vermin, you are going to be a little, meaningless footnote in the history of hate.  

Our spineless president-elect and his soulless son-in-law don't have the cajones to say this, so I'll gladly take the stage for them:

1) The majority of our country rejects you and your hateful rhetoric.

2) You may think that you have won a victory with Trump, but I will guarantee that this country will reverse course quickly and eventually you will be pushed back into the shadows.

3) You are definitely not ready for prime time.  I watched the video of your speech at the National Policy Institute conference.  You need to spend a little more time memorizing your racist, xenophobic, anti-semitic presentations and a little less time with your head looking down at the paper.

4) I will take you on in a debate.  Anytime. Any place.  Bring it.  But, make sure to leave your prepared crib notes at home.  Prove to us that you are ready for prime time!

5) You have a freedom to speak your mind, we have the freedom to resist the garbage you spew. 

So, be forewarned: The entitled Richard Spencers of the world will eventually be drowned out by the people who want to unify and progress our country. Immigrants who have that fire in their belly and want to make a better life for themselves and their families.  LGBTQ families who want to live an equal existence.  Peaceful Muslims who should not be targeted and stereotyped because of radical extremists (like yourself).  Blacks who want to live without fear of being murdered in the streets.  Jews who find their souls and destroy your movement.

So, enjoy this fleeting moment in time.  You will lose this battle.


Soulless "SuperJew" Golem

Monday, July 25, 2016

If Trump is President I’m moving to Iceland!

“I alone can fix it!!”  And with those five words Donald Trump proclaimed that he single-handedly will fix a “scary”, “violent” and “weak” United States.  In this insane election season anything can happen and if we wind up with President Trump, get ready for millions of Americans to make plans to flee north to Canada or south to Mexico.  But, what if Canada decides to bar gun-infatuated violent Americans from invading its country?  As Trump can’t stop repeating, “There’s something going on”.  Yep, there’s something going on with Americans committing mass murder.  Canada may not want gun-toting Americans invading their relatively peaceful land.  On the other hand, Mexico may not want Americans invading their country and taking jobs away from its citizens. Plus, good luck getting through that wall Mexico is going to build.

With that noted, I present you with some interesting alternatives to Canada and Mexico:

Iceland: This Nordic Island nation has a lot to offer, including a humanitarian permit!  One of the grounds for the humanitarian permit is onerous social conditions in his/her home country.  Trump = onerous.  Dealing with Trump’s oppressive fascist proposals seems to be onerous enough.  So, keep Iceland in mind.  Oh yeah, if the humanitarian basis doesn’t work out, you can always consider a residence permit as an au pair.

Costa Rica: In 2010, radio buffoon Rush Limbaugh got millions of U.S. citizens’ hopes up by threatening to leave for Costa Rica if Obamacare passed and became law.  More than 6 years later, we are still stuck with him.  It made me wonder, why Costa Rica?  After some research I found out that it is a good place for retirees to live, but you probably need a pension or social security to live their permanently.  As for the rest of you, I guess you’ll have to consider living somewhere else.  

U.S. Territories: Don’t forget about Guam, Puerto Rico, Northern Mariana Islands, the U.S. Virgin Islands and American Samoa.  I’m sure that they won’t be thrilled with the prospect of a bunch of fleeing Americans showing up at their doorsteps.  But, at least you’ll have a nice beach to camp out on.

The moon: Sorry folks, Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic project is not off the ground yet.  Plus, it will cost a fortune to sign up for.  But, maybe the moon will someday be a place where we can convince Trump and his supporters to go live.  If we’re lucky we could convince the Trumps, the Kardashians and other obnoxiously wealthy people to colonize another planet.

Some of you luckier SOB’s have dual citizenship and an easier path to escaping a Trump regime.  For the rest of us, good luck.  And if all else fails, stock up on Ramen noodles, hide in your bathrooms and count the days until it ends.  It’s only four years! Right?