Monday, December 5, 2016

The People vs. Lorne Michaels

Closing Arguments in the case of The People vs. Lorne Michaels…

Enough with the right-wing’s monopoly for batshit crazy conspiracy theories.  It’s time to share in the insanity.  Put on your tin-foil hats people!  The election was rigged and it is all because of…

Lorne Michaels!  

Lorne Michaels, you son of a bitch, you have done us in.  It wasn’t Hilary and her “basket of deplorables” statement.  It wasn’t because the Russians hacked the computer system.  It wasn’t because Trump kept screaming “lock her up!” to dozens.  Mr. Michaels, you are the wizard behind the curtain!  You and your crack team somehow hacked the election results for your own gain.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please consider the evidence:

Exhibit A: Saturday Night Live Ratings was in a severe ratings slump three years ago.  The recovery has been slow.

Exhibit B: Saturday Night Live ratings this season are now at its highest in over two decades.

Exhibit C: One of the funniest bits last season was Jay Pharoah as a Young Ben Carson when he met Black Jesus (Kenan Thompson).  Even though Lorne ousted Mr. Pharoah before this season, nothing else explains why a man who pulled himself out of consideration for a cabinet position because he lacked government experience is now nominated for secretary of Housing and Urban Development.  There should be plenty of comedy material for the next season.

Exhibit D: Alec Baldwin probably enjoys playing Trump every week and doesn’t mind the extra work. He’s likely behind this rigged election as well.

Exhibit E: Sarah Palin as Secretary of the VA?  Maybe.  But, if she gets betrayed by Trump it would be even better for ratings! Need I say more Tina Fey?

Exhibit F: Trump can’t stop tweeting about SNL.  Perhaps Lorne and Donald are in this together?

Exhibit G: Chris Farley is no longer with us (RIP Chris).  But, consider this when mulling over reasons why Chris Christie (one of Trump’s most loyal supporters throughout the campaign) has not received a cabinet position…

I rest my case.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Jew Scorned

Dear Nazi:

Now you've done it Richard Spencer.  You just lit a fire under the tuchis (that means "ass" in Yiddish, you dipshit) of this "soulless Golem."  My grandmother didn't survive Auschwitz to have me sit by idly while you and your band of scrawny, worthless scum embarrass our country.  What the United States needs now is less loudmouthed, entitled white folk like yourself and more people, regardless of race, that want to work together for the common good.

I'm one of your worst nightmares: A soulless Jew immigration lawyer that helps both documented and undocumented immigrants find a better life in the country that once provided my family with that opportunity. Guess what? There are thousands upon thousands of others like myself that will continue to use our laws for the betterment of society.  When we are done with you and your Nazi vermin, you are going to be a little, meaningless footnote in the history of hate.  

Our spineless president-elect and his soulless son-in-law don't have the cajones to say this, so I'll gladly take the stage for them:

1) The majority of our country rejects you and your hateful rhetoric.

2) You may think that you have won a victory with Trump, but I will guarantee that this country will reverse course quickly and eventually you will be pushed back into the shadows.

3) You are definitely not ready for prime time.  I watched the video of your speech at the National Policy Institute conference.  You need to spend a little more time memorizing your racist, xenophobic, anti-semitic presentations and a little less time with your head looking down at the paper.

4) I will take you on in a debate.  Anytime. Any place.  Bring it.  But, make sure to leave your prepared crib notes at home.  Prove to us that you are ready for prime time!

5) You have a freedom to speak your mind, we have the freedom to resist the garbage you spew. 

So, be forewarned: The entitled Richard Spencers of the world will eventually be drowned out by the people who want to unify and progress our country. Immigrants who have that fire in their belly and want to make a better life for themselves and their families.  LGBTQ families who want to live an equal existence.  Peaceful Muslims who should not be targeted and stereotyped because of radical extremists (like yourself).  Blacks who want to live without fear of being murdered in the streets.  Jews who find their souls and destroy your movement.

So, enjoy this fleeting moment in time.  You will lose this battle.


Soulless "SuperJew" Golem

Monday, July 25, 2016

If Trump is President I’m moving to Iceland!

“I alone can fix it!!”  And with those five words Donald Trump proclaimed that he single-handedly will fix a “scary”, “violent” and “weak” United States.  In this insane election season anything can happen and if we wind up with President Trump, get ready for millions of Americans to make plans to flee north to Canada or south to Mexico.  But, what if Canada decides to bar gun-infatuated violent Americans from invading its country?  As Trump can’t stop repeating, “There’s something going on”.  Yep, there’s something going on with Americans committing mass murder.  Canada may not want gun-toting Americans invading their relatively peaceful land.  On the other hand, Mexico may not want Americans invading their country and taking jobs away from its citizens. Plus, good luck getting through that wall Mexico is going to build.

With that noted, I present you with some interesting alternatives to Canada and Mexico:

Iceland: This Nordic Island nation has a lot to offer, including a humanitarian permit!  One of the grounds for the humanitarian permit is onerous social conditions in his/her home country.  Trump = onerous.  Dealing with Trump’s oppressive fascist proposals seems to be onerous enough.  So, keep Iceland in mind.  Oh yeah, if the humanitarian basis doesn’t work out, you can always consider a residence permit as an au pair.

Costa Rica: In 2010, radio buffoon Rush Limbaugh got millions of U.S. citizens’ hopes up by threatening to leave for Costa Rica if Obamacare passed and became law.  More than 6 years later, we are still stuck with him.  It made me wonder, why Costa Rica?  After some research I found out that it is a good place for retirees to live, but you probably need a pension or social security to live their permanently.  As for the rest of you, I guess you’ll have to consider living somewhere else.  

U.S. Territories: Don’t forget about Guam, Puerto Rico, Northern Mariana Islands, the U.S. Virgin Islands and American Samoa.  I’m sure that they won’t be thrilled with the prospect of a bunch of fleeing Americans showing up at their doorsteps.  But, at least you’ll have a nice beach to camp out on.

The moon: Sorry folks, Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic project is not off the ground yet.  Plus, it will cost a fortune to sign up for.  But, maybe the moon will someday be a place where we can convince Trump and his supporters to go live.  If we’re lucky we could convince the Trumps, the Kardashians and other obnoxiously wealthy people to colonize another planet.

Some of you luckier SOB’s have dual citizenship and an easier path to escaping a Trump regime.  For the rest of us, good luck.  And if all else fails, stock up on Ramen noodles, hide in your bathrooms and count the days until it ends.  It’s only four years! Right?

Monday, November 9, 2015

The "War" on Christmas?

I love Christmas.  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I see the Christmas lights and displays go up.  I would have no problem if we celebrated Christmas 365 days out of the year.  Keep your elaborate inflatable displays up year round.  And, guess what? I'm a JEW!!  Just to prove my love for Christmas here is a picture of me and my sister with the real Santa Claus:

Santa looked annoyed, but boy I couldn't have been happier!  

It usually takes something extremely controversial to motivate me to actually sit down and write a blog. Like the supposed war on Christmas that some guy, Joshua Feuerstein, from Arizona currently claims that Starbucks is waging because they are using plain red cups this holiday season.  As one of the few Jews growing up in Tucson, Arizona back in the '70's and '80's I was besieged with Christmas marketing.  Even today, I feel extra special when I walk into Target and see that one Chanukah row hiding behind the candy aisle.  That one row with about 1/20th of the holiday items the Christmas display has.  But, do I complain?  Nope.  I'm totally content with my own tiny Chanukah space.

Growing up I recall watching "Frosty the Snowman", "Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer", "A Charlie Brown Christmas", "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and other films year-after-year.  Not much going on with Chanukah.  Thanks to Adam Sandler, the Jews actually got a Chanukah song played on the radio in the '90's so everyone could goof on us.  Hey, but us Jews...we have a sense of humor so we're totally cool with it.  Of course, Sandler had to ruin all the fun with a crappy movie about Chanukah.  Again, we didn't really complain.

Today I put on SiriusXM radio and guess what? On November 9th they already have not one but TWO holiday stations playing ("Holly" and "Holiday Traditions") and pretty much most all of the music is Christmas oriented. When I drove to the mall near my office today I saw this hanging from the light:

So, Mr. Feuerstein and anyone else that believes there is a war on Christmas:  Stop your fussing, find a more important cause to get behind and remember that you are fortunate to have Christmas and your rows and rows of Christmas stuff at Target and other stores. You are not being persecuted because Starbucks didn't put snowflakes or pine trees on their red cups.  If anything, I should be pissed off that you, Mr. Feuerstein, has somehow appropriated a name that sounds Jewish and we'll probably wind up getting blamed for this dopey controversy.  

That stated, if you see a blue Starbucks holiday cup with a dreidel on it then you can start bitching.  Until then, pipe down!

Monday, January 12, 2015

SuperJew Finds the Best Ice in Southern Arizona

In Arizona, ice (frozen H2O) is of critical importance.  When the temperature reaches 100+ we all need a little ice to cool off.  I enjoy ice in all forms: cubed, crushed, melted, cracked, shaved, block, glacial, and even ice balls.  I have studied ice extensively and even learned via Wikipedia that Lloyd Groff Copeman invented the flexible rubber ice cube tray.  That said, I consider myself an expert on consumable ice.  I love chewing on a cube of ice and cooling off my warm, dry mouth.  I have chewed ice all over Southern Arizona and on Saturday night I finally concluded that I found the crème de la crème of frozen water cubes in the greater Tucson, Arizona area.  It was at Vero Amore Dove Mountain.

I was enjoying Meatballs Marinara with Linguini.  After a few bites I felt the urge to take a drink of my water and then magic occurred.  I took a chomp out of the ice cube and it immediately cracked down into a form of shaved ice on my molars.  It was a thing of beauty.  An icicle in cubical form.  At that moment I realized I had found the holy grail of ice in Tucson.

Here is a pic of the ice:

Note the clarity of the cubes...this means that it's really good.  

I am smitten with the ice at Vero Amore.  I propose that the restaurants in Tucson and surrounding areas have a yearly ice competition.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

SuperJew's Report Card of Eegee's Red Licorice Flavor

Shalom! It's been several months since I have written a blog but I finally found something near and dear to my heart to write about: Eegee's Flavor of the Month for January.

A week back I decided to check on the Flavors of the Month for 2015 and was devastated to see that my favorite all-time flavor (Cherry Pineapple) did not make the cut.  My despair was quickly replaced with elation when I noticed that January's flavor was Red Licorice!  I have spent decades consuming copious amounts of licorice.  Red Vines, Twizzlers, Twizzler Bites, generic licorice from gas stations, you name it.  If it's red and it's licorice I'll consume it.  Unlike Magic Johnson, I don't care if my Red Vines are soft.  They can be hard as a rock and I'll figure out a way to ingest them.

One time I even threw a temper tantrum at the Flamingo Hilton casino over Twizzlers.  I sat down at a 3-card poker table eating my beloved licorice and the dealer tells me "you are not permitted to eat at the table."  I angrily responded, "oh, so you're saying I can drink here and maybe spill my drink or I can smoke here and get ashes all over the table, but I can't eat my licorice?"  Almost got booted from the casino that day...

So, last night I figured I would take the plunge and taste the Red Licorice Eegee.  I had already read numerous online reviews of the flavor and they were mixed.  Here are my findings:

Eegee's Red Licorice Grade: D

The flavor is meh.  It doesn't have enough of the licorice flavoring that I would have wanted.  They do provide you with a piece of red licorice which you can break up and mix in with the drink.  That does add some flavor, but eat it quickly because the licorice will harden and possibly cause you to choke.

Eegee's Red Licorice Grade (with Red Vine chunks): B

This enhances the flavor and makes you much happier.  Trust me.

Eegee's Red Licorice Grade (with Red Vine chunks and Vodka): A+

It is the perfect combination for any occasion (especially when you are alone reading a romance novel). 

Monday, February 24, 2014

Episode 1: SuperJew and Rebecca Visit Governor Brewer's Office

With the incompetent Arizona legislature passing SB 1062 and HB 2153, SuperJew and Rebecca decided to pay a visit to Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's office asking that she veto these bills.  The escapade begins outside of the Arizona state building in Tucson at 400 West Congress.

SuperJew waits patiently in a bed of purple flowers for his trusty sidekick, Rebecca, to arrive.  Random cars honk at SuperJew as if they have never seen a man in a cape on Congress before.  Most people try to avoid eye contact.

Rebecca arrives at 12:03.  It is now time to infiltrate the state building and pay a visit to Governor Brewer on the 4th floor.

SuperJew will deliver this important message to the Governor's office, along with a plate of tasty Homotaschen.

The Homotaschen

SuperJew and Rebecca ventured into the state building and made it to   the 4th floor where Governor Brewer's office is located.  A woman commented to her friend after seeing SuperJew, "you see, we really need better security in this building."
Disappointment as Governor Brewer's office was closed and posted on the door was this message.  

Rebecca called the 800 number but all circuits were busy. SuperJew was sad.

All this hard work trying to save Arizona made SuperJew and Rebecca hungry.  Dejected, they went to lunch.  But it wasn't going to be a sad ending to our adventure. Look who they found at the dining establishment: Tucson Mayor Jonathan Rothschild!  He read the letter to Governor Brewer.

He read and he read.  SuperJew proudly smiled.

While Governor Brewer won't be able to enjoy the delectable Homotaschen, the Tucson mayor did!  

While it was a blast to see Mayor Rothschild, our mission is not accomplished.  Please contact Governor Brewer today and ask her to veto SB 1062 at (602) 542-4331!

Also, sign a petition:


Our adventures will continue...

P.S., here is the world's most SuperJewiest sidekick Rebecca:

Rebecca and Molly!

Follow SuperJew @MoGoldman on Twitter.